"We were speechless. They came in droves as far as the eye could see. In solidarity, these protesting Japanese Snowmen arrived, filed off the planes and just stood there, covering the entire tarmac, melting. It was so moving."Onsite quote from an unidentified spokesperson for the OCCUPY Movement
Despite being very confident the evidence had been destroyed, a Wall Street money manger's ties to a huge medical technology research firm were discovered by an OCCUPY Movement member via a smoking gun photo documenting a disturbing innovation which would enable poor families to strike lucrative contracts with multiple corporations whose logos would be genetically imprinted in utero, on their children; naming rights are presumed to be extra.
The recent discovery near Zuccotti Park of a well-hidden, curious inscribing device apparently capable of re-writing both history and the future, has federal authorities and members of the OCCUPY Movement each cautious about claiming credit for the instrument's development.
One of federal authorities' worst fears was confirmed this morning when their forensic laboratory confirmed a presumed Bible found in an OCCUPY Movement encampment was in fact authentic and gauging from the freshness of multiple fingerprints and DNA extractions, had been recently read by a large number of people; special council has reportedly been brought in to help agents determine what strategies may be most prudent given this unfortunate turn of circumstances.
This week the OCCUPY Movement announced (out of necessity) an unlikely yet innovative product launch, being a joint effort between its agronomists and strangely enough, Joseph Enterprises, namely, The Chia-Tent, a ground shelter which when forcefully removed from its location, simply grows back.
Though resolved months ago, some among the OCCUPY Movement still resolutely lobby for the Dali mask (depicting the urgency of time) which eventually lost out to the Guy Fawks mask after much debate and 11 rounds of voting.
Originally thinking it merely a prank, global entities are now highly alarmed by evidence that the OCCUPY Movement has in fact commandeered a unique, world-class neutronalyzing drill and is presently engaged in tunneling completely through the center of the earth in search of new, unregulated territories within which to set up their tents.
Utilizing a new, ultra-high-speed imaging technology, authorities now believe they have finally captured their first glimpse of what they term as a "genetically altered, hybrid network of speed squirrels" thought to be an inscrutable, cleverly disguised, ubiquitous communications tool OCCUPY Movement groups have been utilizing in order to rapidly communicate information between camps nationwide in a less than obvious manner.
No one agrees how the foul-up developed but the next thing you knew, hundreds of priests were filing into the massive OCCUPY Movement's encampment, ready, willing and able to help exorcise whatever it was that was occupying so many souls there.
Taking an imaginative "public sculpture" tact and thereby circumventing all regulations prohibiting tents in public places, the OCCUPY Movement recently struck a deal with David Trautrimas to jointly fabricate large community habitation structures via repurposing oversized implements and containers.
Undeterred by an ancient loss to a monster opponent (whose campaign was underwritten by massive capital from the medical research community), Felix has seemingly found new support as a 2012 candidate from an "emerging movement" (which rhymes with clock-you-fye); the logic being that anyone with an actual "bag of tricks" has got to be better than an endless line of old dogs unable to learn any new ones.
At a recent political fund raiser, news was leaked that the OCCUPY Movement had initiated a nation-wide campaign for true elections; a pure system eliminating all political primaries and parties, whereby every citizen would "write in" their vote for absolutely whomever they wanted, allowing a series of run-offs to determine the winner.
Banning tents (temporary structures) in public spaces had seemed like such a great maneuver to keep the OCCUPY Movement out of the parks... until portable microhouses suddenly began popping up everywhere. And this time... it looks serious.
However it got started, none can agree, but once George got wind the OCCUPY Movement may be going underground for a while, he could not resist grabbing his buddies and seeing if they just might be able to "hunt one or two of 'em down".
Today it was reported 99% of all NASCAR pit crew tire changers, NASA Space Shuttle battery installers and White House carpenters were in fact, in agreement with 99% of what the OCCUPY Movement presumably stands for; the disturbing ramifications that 99% of anything might be 99% true concerning anything related to the OCCUPY Movement necessitated the rapid formation of a joint industry-government-banking commission to further investigate this frightening development.
Besieged by frantic statisticians from around the globe, suddenly, U.S. governmental agencies have also begun paying nervous attention to one ironic fact: The day most social scientist's have calculated, predicting the eventual success of the OCCUPY Movement and the time frame for 16 different international Doomsday scenarios all fall on the same date.
A disenfranchised member of a large political party leaked this early mock-up of an internal campaign manager's covert ploy to torpedo the integrity of the OCCUPY Movement by planning to claim this "secret document" revealed OCCUPY's soon-to-be-revealed candidate for the 2012 elections; however, it was deemed a "mega-stupid strategy" by that campaign worker's teenage daughters and subsequently dropped.
While conducting surgery to locate and remove an apparent malignant meningioma (brain tumor), Dr. Lubeck and his team of specialists were aghast to encounter what was actually an almost microscopic OCCUPY Movement group encamped near the parasagittal region.
Rapidly losing grasp of a bad situation and desperate to deflect attention away from his state's ill-prepared, disaster relief agency, in an regretful moment of embarrassed exasperation Governor Barton let forth an ill-conceived tirade implicating the OCCUPY Movement as the covert culprit behind all of the natural disasters experienced in this country for the past year.
Anticipating the likely future need for publicly addressing large crowds, engineers within the OCCUPY Movement had already designed an effective, mobile amplification device unaware that city statutes would ultimately require the implementation of the rather low-tech, People's Mic.
After extended research, a distinguished team of archivists for the OCCUPY Movement have now determined that one reason the movement may not be following exactly in the progressive footsteps of its notorious 1926 predecessor is due to its lack of an official dance.
A growing list of high-level economists appear deeply concerned about yet another, newly emerging, easily accessible "tile-based" currency system whose proliferating roots have now been traced to the OCCUPY Movement.
The International Space Agency has regretfully confirmed a group calling themselves OCCUPY UFOs has somehow located and inhabited an ultra-secret, "black ops" property in the Gulf of Mexico currently being described as a crashed, extraterrestrial guitarship; no one with the ISA has been available for further comment on the craft or what will be done with its unauthorized occupants.
Authorities became confused and exasperated when after evicting an OCCUPY group from the grounds of City Hall, a large number of the protesters then elected to occupy the door knobs of office closets inside the building since nothing could be found in the municipal code prohibiting it.
An anonymous source has leaked this photograph of campus police quietly chanting, "We are the 99%!" while frolicking in the meadow behind the university's stadium during what was supposed to be preparatory drills for removing the on-campus OCCUPY group the following day.
When it suddenly became obvious the OCCUPY Movement had dialed in to the public, was communicating concerns and gaining the ear of the people, some politicians quickly found it fashionable to try to get in on a conference call.
In their innovative response to simultaneously address numerous critical issues including the poor economy, dependency on fossil fuels, and epidemic obesity, the OCCUPY Movement's startling introduction of a line of $100 pedal-powered vehicles is infuriating every possible entity from Wall Street investors to the banking industry, from auto manufacturers to petroleum producers, from endless governmental bureaucracies to the pharmaceutical industry.
Moving into this year's Holiday Season, in response to the growing message of "excessive consumerism" (an issue specifically raised by the OCCUPY Movement), in what the Congress believed to be a magnanimous gesture they voted to reduce the lighting on the outdoor White House Christmas Tree by three bulbs and donate them to the starving children refugees in the Sudan.
The Fed was all abuzz when agronomists within the OCCUPY Movement revealed a new currency strategy centered around their recently refined, bio-engineered capacity to grow coinage,
At first overjoyed by the large extent of their newfound members, numerous OCCUPY groups have since become anxious over the fact these new arrivals all speak the same, unknown language, somewhat impeding progress during General Assembly.
After garnering instantaneous, international YouTube attention over his obviously spectacular, flamboyant, aerial method of protest-by-graffiti by painting atop the Eiffel Tower (and thereby, solidifying his legendary status in the OCCUPY Movement's legacy), when on the ground and besieged for his statement of solidarity, a confused Rupert disclosed he had simply been repainting a rust spot.
Though officially unacknowledged by Congress, this undercover phone pic captures a recent midnight gathering of the political elite which revealed most are both alarmed and clueless when it comes to understanding why the OCCUPY Movement exists.
In a weird twist of fate, both the authorities and the Occupy protesters have each accused the other of creating and deploying a devious tool of intimidation now jointly referred to as "The Sky Monger".
In a bold maneuver, one innovative OCCUPY group built a machine to occupy the future, unanticipating a premature and unfortunate collapse; a project-ending episode involving a solid rocket booster, an iPhone and a toaster.
In the early "pre-OCCUPY" days, protest planners had considered a number of attention getting options should additional voices be needed in the street.
Once acquired surreptitiously by the media, this anonymous, internal document presumably containing an ingenious, intricately coded, clandestine strategy to be employed by either the OCCUPY Movement or perhaps the authorities confronting them, was given to outside physicists to analyze, decipher, and expose... whatever.
A conceptual dilemma erupted between some members of the OCCUPY Movement and authorities when after succumbing to the demand to cease occupying space near the courthouse, they then opted to exercise a previously unrecognized loophole in the city's statute and occupy time, literally.
In the subsequent shadow of the OCCUPY Movement, anthropologists are diligently investigating a social phenomena emerging across the U.S. as quite diverse population groups are mysteriously congregating and spontaneously engaging in silent, choreographic displays.
No one, not a soul suspected or conceived that while the OCCUPY Movement kept the nation distracted with city-by-city occupations, in fact they were constructing a gargantuan dam and communications complex in the Western U.S.; part of a sprawling bunker city which would soon be capable of generating and controlling electrical power and water supply for several states.
When a bunch of overzealous OCCUPY South Dakota teens came up with the bright idea of occupying a nearby Sioux reservation, they seriously miscalculated their ability to overcome onsite resistance.
Some say the tide began to turn when cold weather conditions forced the OCCUPY camp downtown to resort to cooking up roadkill... which began to look more and more like the missing animals from the zoo.
When questioned by OCCUPY protesters concerning the less-than-natural discovery found in a bird's nest within their camp, the FBI said they had no idea what it was... then added it certainly was not a ingeniously disguised, micro-robotized surveillance transmitter on loan from the CIA.
In a totally unanticipated yet highly orchestrated maneuver signifying solidarity with the OCCUPY Movement, the wives of local politicians and police resolutely marched with their strollers directly through the downtown business district today; rapidly retreating to their offices, all officials have refused comment.
With a stroke of serendipity, suspicions were recently confirmed that authorities had resorted to extraordinarily unconventional means to document the activities of the OCCUPY Movement.
Taking the OCCUPY movement's challenge in an archetectural vein, the seaside village of Obelise elected to occupy their shore in a rather obvious and vertical manner.
Suspicions of cleverly disguised police agent infiltrators within the OCCUPY camp were recently confirmed when an unsuspecting protester while cleaning up, discovered what initially appeared to be discarded refuse outside of the media tent.
In what may go down as one of the oddest yet profoundly metaphoric incidents of the OCCUPY Movement, an extensive discussion erupted between competing occupiers of one town's square, igniting extensive philosophical sparring over whether might makes right.
At the precise moment when it appeared an overwrought police force would be shutting down the OCCUPY march downtown, Propeller Man made a startling appearance, confounding all and defusing anxieties.
Working frantically through the night, Jon made up for his unavailability to occupy a local space himself by designing a symbolic, strategic device which would endlessly occupy those at a nearby intersection, in his absence.
Unexpectedly moved and emboldened by the brave and passionate display of protestors taking to American streets, Admiral Peary shocked the world by returning to life to lead yet one more torturous expedition in an effort to occupy the Arctic.